No, you can't use me for sex.

[denny]

...not because I wouldn't let you, but just because I don't see how it would be possible. I like sex.


A few times lately in various conversations I've heard girls use phrases like "He was just using me for sex" or "I don't want to be used for sex", and also things like "He needs to earn it first".

I don't understand this concept.

As far as I can tell, having sex with someone is a trade. They get some, you get some. Everyone's a winner.

If a girl wants to have sex with me, then I don't see how I can 'use' her for sex, and I don't see why I should have to 'earn' it either. If she wants sex with me, and she gets it, surely that's a fairly successful outcome for her? And if she doesn't want sex with me, then I wouldn't want to do it anyway... half-hearted shags are almost invariably crap.

Anyway, can anybody explain the fault in my reasoning? Maybe girls have a sekrit stockpile of sex that guys steal from them if they don't keep it carefully guarded at all times...

Do girls actually feel like they're doing blokes a huge one-way favour when they sleep with them? If so, why do they bother doing it?

I say 'girl' because I've yet to hear a guy complain about being used for sex. Odd that. Is this because men are sluts, or is it because society has given women some weird artificially inflated opinion of the value of their participation in the sex act, compared to the participation of the guy?

Or perhaps it's that women are less likely to enjoy sex? The problem I have is reconciling enjoying sex and 'feeling used' by it. I suppose if you hated sex but did it anyway (for what?) then it would make more sense.

I know gay guys don't seem to be worried about being used for sex. Is the concept in use in the gay scene for women, or is it strictly a heterosexual thing? Maybe it's part of the whole 'women as property' mess that our society is still trying to shake off?

I really don't understand this attitude to sex - and when it's aimed at me, I find it quite insulting. It takes two to tango... if you don't want me as much as I want you, then why are we even talking about it?

Comments

[adrasteah.livejournal.com]

Samoth pointed me at this thread.

While you might need someone to respect you to play sport with them, I assume you reserve certain parts of yourself for people you like and trust. I wouldn't tell a secret to some I didn't trust and I would only exhibit some behaviour towards people I really liked.

It's perfectly possible to have sex with someone without the intimacy that comes with giving of yourself 100%, but for me I just don't do it anymore because it's basically wanking, just using another person's body instead of something else and if I can't have the real thing, I'd rather go without. I also like to reserve an activity exclusively for partners so that it gives value to it. My boyfriend does not feel special when I shake his hand because I'll do that with anyone, for example. By reserving sex for him only it's a measure of esteem. Something he gets that he knows no-one else can have.

My life is immeasurably happier since I stopped having casual sex (and actually I was never someone who complained guys 'used' me for sex because I was just as likely to instigate for purely physical reasons) and the sex I have is infinitely better.

That said, with regard to original point of the post. It's no longer for me, but if people are absolutely honest with each other and themselves about what they expect and want then things should be mostly OK.

I say mostly because the reason women are more prone to this is a hormone called Oxytocin. It's released in huge amounts after a mother gives birth and it's what causes mothers and babies to bond. Obviously vital in evolutionary terms, but it's also released after orgasm in women and it's quite potent. It is designed to create a strong emotional bond with the person who caused it to be released and women need to be aware that their feelings towards someone after sex are mostly a chemical trick.