denny: (Uncommon Sense)
I've always found it interesting the way that my brain can sort stuff out when I'm not even thinking about it, and suddenly present me with a 'there you go, sorted' when it's done.

Today I got a similar package deal regarding something that I've been thinking about almost continuously for weeks now (or months). For some reason I found this more surprising than the completely out of the blue version.

Anyway, it'll be interesting to see how the next few weeks go.
denny: (Unhappy Star)
...but not a particularly happy one.

Don't get me wrong, there's been plenty of happy moments. I've had nice presents (a huge thank you to many of my friends, and to my wonderful girlfriend). I've been shopping and spent a large sum of money on books, which is always good. I started the day in bed with Helen and have returned to it once or twice since ;) I've even been offered a threesome at some point this week, amusingly with both of the other participants independently asking me within an hour of each other if I would like to try to set something up with the other person :) There has been a lot of Good Stuff today.

Still, I'm sad; that's my baseline state, and when there's nothing actively happening to cheer me up, I return to it.

I've been putting off writing any detail in my journal lately about what's going on in my life, which has tended to make the personal entries a bit cryptic and emo over the last month. I really don't like doing that - this is my journal, and if my head is a mess then this is exactly where I should be trying to write it all down and work it all out. However. Although this is my journal, and I should be able to write whatever I like about my personal life... there's the tricky issue of how much it's polite to write about other people's personal lives. When the other people are so completely integral to what's happening to your life, it can be impossible to write about the mess inside your own head without talking about their personal lives too.

I've decided over the last few days that I'm going to have to write about what's been happening lately, despite other people being heavily involved, because it's just been too important to me to leave it as a few cryptic posts and a succession of downbeat mood settings.

I'm going to give people made-up names to give some vague hint of politeness to the whole thing of discussing their personal lives, but they're going to be fairly obvious made-up names if you know the people involved. I'm sure all our mutual friends already know 3/4 of what's gone on anyway, and maybe it'll make a bit more sense if they have the other 1/4 to finish the picture. The rest of you can just read it for entertainment value, or because you care about the things that shape my life, or out of intense boredom :)

So why are you such a miserable fucker on your birthday Denny? )

That slightly pathetic tale said and done... Helen has just got out of the bath, and we're going back to bed again now. To read our new books. Honest.

It's not all bad, this birthday. It's had its moments.

Just not that moment.
denny: (Hold me)
"I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard ..."
-- Linkin Park, In The End
I'm feeling quite a bit better today. I think my head broke so badly yesterday that the only way I could go was up. I'm still very sad, but it seems more controllable now. Mornings are still the most difficult bit... they meant a lot, and now there's a gap in them.

Last night I failed to hit a fairly important and easily achievable deadline at work, even after it had been extended twice (originally it was last Thursday). This has, unsurprisingly, failed to impress my boss. I'm a bit worried after the talk we had a few weeks ago... I can only hope that he can see the difference between me not putting enough effort in, and me trying really hard but failing. And that he cares about the difference.

I'm not really sure what's happening about my birthday... I had tentative plans for it to be really quite fantastic, but now it seems quite likely that they're not going to happen. I was also planning a bit of a party, which also won't happen as Helen is moving house that weekend. I may have to compensate for this problem by having a monster moving-in party when I get the new flat, although that's a way off. Still, maybe I'll be in a better mood for it by then... things keep changing so fast at the minute, at least some of them have got to change for the better again soon, right?
denny: (Unhappy Star)
Things seem to have gone quite badly and very unexpectedly wrong in one little area of my life. Unfortunately it's one that was bringing me a great deal of happiness lately, so now I'm really quite sad and upset. Normal service will hopefully be resumed at some point, once I've got over the shock.

Sometimes it's very difficult to remember the good things about life at these times, so let's look at those:

* My girlfriend is great. She is snuggly and lovely and has tried very hard to be patient with my somewhat wonky moods this week.

* I was starting to get my focus back at work, although the above-mentioned turn in fortunes did derail me somewhat. Hopefully I can get it together again this week and stay on track this time.

* Flat purchase still apparently going according to plan. Valuation was agreed on Thursday, so just waiting for mortgage to be approved I guess, then it's time for the lawyers to do their thing. The seller wants to complete by the end of the month, which seems a bit unrealistic to me, but if the lawyers can be persuaded to move that quickly then I have no real objection to the idea. I have been cheering myself up by trying to work out what I'll be doing about redecorating. Which probably says a lot about my state of mind actually.

While I'm here, a reminder: Helen and Kristen are about to have their first art exhibition, running for the next two weeks at The Foundry. You should all come :) Preferably to the opening night, which is on Wednesday.
denny: (Happy) amused me.

Life is going pretty damn well at the minute. In no particular order, lately I have:

* Flown (or indoor skydived, whichever name you prefer - I intend to go back a LOT once I get my settlement money).
* Fallen in love (rather suddenly and unexpectedly, and all the sweeter for it).
* Had a strangely affirming sort-of reprimand at work ("I need you to stop being apathetic; you're second in command of the whole company and I need your help." "Ah. Right.").
* Had lots of fantastic kinky sex. My girlfriend is made of win and yum.
* Had my annual check-up at the GUM clinic, all tests clear. Always nice.
* Failed to find a flat, despite looking at dozens of them. I'm not in a hurry particularly, but it would be nice to have somewhere of my own. Preferably somewhere of a reasonable size - I want to host some after-parties.
* Spent lots of time with my friends. They are lovely, lovely people, and I want to spend even more lots of time with them. Damn this working for a living nonsense, it interferes badly with what could otherwise be really monumentally spectacular social lives.
* Done quite a bit of spinning, mostly staff. Notably, four hours at Trance on the Thames - a free outdoor dance party on the Thames Beach (only appears at low tide, under Festival Pier on the south bank) - which was loads of fun.

Coming up there are more exciting things... at the end of this week, Helen and Kristen will be doing a live painting event at Planet Angel, which is cool. At the end of this month, they will be having their first exhibition, at The Foundry, which is even cooler. You should all come, to both but particularly to the exhibition - preferably to the opening night, on the 22nd :) [details]

I also have a certain amount of stress sources. Work is difficult to get a handle on at present, hence the previously referenced apathy. The new love, while sweet and wonderful, has not been the simplest of emotional entanglements, and continues to be tricky in places. My leg regularly hurts much more than usual for no apparant reason, and the promised settlement money hasn't even begun the process of turning up - the other side's insurance company are clearly going to wait until they're legally 100% obliged and compelled to hand over the cash (and quite possibly threatened with bailiffs) before they actually do so. Bastards.

Still, the good things (especially that new love, and my glorious girlfriend and friends) are outweighing the bad by a margin I couldn't begin to estimate. It's good being me.

Which is nice.
denny: Photo of me wearing my beloved silly hat.  It's wuzzy! (Personal Growth)
Spotted in Fox's journal, this seemed appropriate for this week: large-ish image )
denny: (I love you... and you... and you...)
This weekend had some particularly spectacular ups. It also, in typical universe-balancing fashion, had a rather hefty down at the end. And no, this is not a drugs reference :)

Hopefully the wobbly bits will settle down over time, and the good bits will still be around. I really must work on my impulse control though... occasionally my usual excess of patience seems to desert me completely, and the results are not always ideal in the long run.

November 2017



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