No, you can't use me for sex.

[denny]

...not because I wouldn't let you, but just because I don't see how it would be possible. I like sex.


A few times lately in various conversations I've heard girls use phrases like "He was just using me for sex" or "I don't want to be used for sex", and also things like "He needs to earn it first".

I don't understand this concept.

As far as I can tell, having sex with someone is a trade. They get some, you get some. Everyone's a winner.

If a girl wants to have sex with me, then I don't see how I can 'use' her for sex, and I don't see why I should have to 'earn' it either. If she wants sex with me, and she gets it, surely that's a fairly successful outcome for her? And if she doesn't want sex with me, then I wouldn't want to do it anyway... half-hearted shags are almost invariably crap.

Anyway, can anybody explain the fault in my reasoning? Maybe girls have a sekrit stockpile of sex that guys steal from them if they don't keep it carefully guarded at all times...

Do girls actually feel like they're doing blokes a huge one-way favour when they sleep with them? If so, why do they bother doing it?

I say 'girl' because I've yet to hear a guy complain about being used for sex. Odd that. Is this because men are sluts, or is it because society has given women some weird artificially inflated opinion of the value of their participation in the sex act, compared to the participation of the guy?

Or perhaps it's that women are less likely to enjoy sex? The problem I have is reconciling enjoying sex and 'feeling used' by it. I suppose if you hated sex but did it anyway (for what?) then it would make more sense.

I know gay guys don't seem to be worried about being used for sex. Is the concept in use in the gay scene for women, or is it strictly a heterosexual thing? Maybe it's part of the whole 'women as property' mess that our society is still trying to shake off?

I really don't understand this attitude to sex - and when it's aimed at me, I find it quite insulting. It takes two to tango... if you don't want me as much as I want you, then why are we even talking about it?

Comments

[fellcat.livejournal.com]

The potential does vary from woman to woman. One measure of enjoyment is the orgasm. Some women cannot orgasm, period; others can only orgasm alone because of some inhibitions, such as fear of loss of control which directly prevents orgasm, or shyness which indirectly prevents orgasm by preventing the masturbation in front of the partner required to reach orgasm. IIRC, the majority of women have to have some clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, so PIV sex probably won't be enough; however, that's an issue of saking for what you want. Then again, a woman with low self-esteem probably won't ask for what she wants.

The solution is: end the sexist beauty double standards, let women feel proud of something other than a small dress size and the latest haircut; then women will demand what they want in bed, won't − modulo residual cavewoman brain workings − equate sex with attention/emotional commitment, and so will be a lot less likely to feel used after casual sex.