Found on my friends page:

[denny]

http://adjectivemarcus.livejournal.com/389299.html - some wise words on the subject of size/weight.

I've been thinking about this subject quite a bit lately, because unlike Marcus, my weight and shape have changed dramatically over the last three years. The initial immobility and then reduced mobility from the accident started the process, and changing my diet at the start of this year has accelerated it considerably.

Also unlike Marcus, I'm not entirely happy about my current shape - I imagine that's a function of change. A stable body is clearly one that's happy where it is and messing with it seems foolish... a body that's shifting around seems a bit more arbitrary, especially if it's been pretty much the same size and weight for the ten years preceding the changes. I've put on around 2 stone* in the last couple of years, and I've lost a lot of muscle tone. The latter I'm slowly rebuilding by going to the gym (hence the change in diet this year, to fuel this rebuilding), but the muscle seems to be rebuilding under the layer of flabbiness that the immobility engendered. From reading around, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to shift the flab with the amount of effort that I'm willing to put in to my exercise/diet/etc, and that does bother me - I'm used to being scrawny but toned. However, I'm aware that I'm probably healthier at the new weight, flabby or not, so I try not to let it bug me too much.

Anyway, I've lost my thread, but I think that was most of what I started out wanting to say. Um, discuss amongst yourselves :)

Ah yes, Kaz has reminded me of another train of thought that was tied in with this one, which is the way people (particularly online, but also in real life) will hasten to point out that your body (or art/work/dancing/whatever) is 'fine' when you talk about your problems with it, rather than actually addressing your point - which often has little to do with reality, and much more to do with your own perceptions of yourself. I don't think that just pointing out ones own perception of reality is going to achieve much to resolve someone else's false perception. Even less so when the perception isn't necessarily false - in this case, I'm talking about (a) having gained a signficant amount of weight in a fairly short period, and (b) how that makes me feel - that's not false, because (a) it has happened, and (b) it's about how I feel, not about whether I'm right or not. Finally, I'm aware there are worse shapes to be than the one I've currently got, but this is the worst one I've ever been, so to me it's quite a big (sorry) issue.


* or to look at it another way, my weight has increased by more than a fifth.

Comments

[reddragdiva]

I dunno. At that Wikipedia talk we saw you at, you looked like a goddamn stick in need of being strapped down and fed lard.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

That was two years ago :)

[reddragdiva]

That's what I mean - you were way out the other side of "skinny"!

[kaz-pixie.livejournal.com]

You are a good shape and size and everything else. Stop being silly immediately.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Very insightful.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

It bothers me immensely when people percieved to conform to society's idea of what is a "good shape and size" are told they are silly for feeling uncomfortable about it. How would you respond to being told "stop being silly immediately" if you expressed discomfort with your body? Is body anxiety only valid for people of certain shapes or something? Surely the only thing that matters is how comfortable the individual feels and why? Denny isn't bothered by his flab because he thinks thinner is objectively better, he's bothered by it because it's not what he's used to.

[kaz-pixie.livejournal.com]

OK I was really only joking. It's meant to be one of those lighthearted things that are reassuring, not a major attack, sorry if anyone took it that way.

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

This is all interesting stuff. I'm thinking about running a 'body image' workshop at the next BiCon, so it's good to hear about different types of body image issues.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

My way of dealing with the head squirrels is in a choice/responsibility sense. Your body shape has changed because of your lifestyle changing (admittedly without your consent) and you're choosing not to make the lifestyle changes necessary to change it completely back. You acknowledge that not eating (including in the sense your mother uses the phrase) isn't healthy, so you're choosing not to return to that lifestyle. You also are choosing not to put in the disproportionate amount of effort involved in changing something your body naturally reverts to if given the chance. (Disproportionate because that particular bit of flab is something natural to your age and gender, and I reckon the only reason you didn't have it before is that what you were in the habit of regularly taking into your body was so unnatural.)

Whether you make the choice not to put the effort into making changes is up to you: I think the point is that whichever choice you make, it makes sense to be happy about it. I know it's tricky - it took me over two years to stop regretting my choice to start eating again. But if it is in your hands, you may as well make the decision which will give you most happiness and then enjoy it. And if it isn't - if this flab is just what happens to Denny's body when he reaches this age - then you may as well not worry about it.

Easier said than done, I know. But I love you anyway, and I think I get it.

[libellum.livejournal.com]

Oh, something just occurred to me: could it be that one of the reasons this flab bothers you so much is that it is symptomatic and therefore possibly symbolic, in a way, of the damage/changes to your life done by the accident? I certainly wouldn't be surprised if the fact it was caused by enforced immobility inclines you to be less happy with it than you might be had it happened of its own accord. I could be barking up completely the wrong tree, in which case ignore me :)

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

It hadn't occurred to me, but I guess it's possible...

[dryad-wombat.livejournal.com]

Those are amazing questions from your beloved. I totally hadn't thought of that, but they sound really pertinent.

[wildeabandon.livejournal.com]

Hrm. I think this probably comes under "other people's perceptions not really being relevant", but I actually hadn't noticed your body changing except in the obvious "big hole in your leg" respect.

Unsurprisingly really, I basically agree with what Helen's said - having made a choice about how much effort you're prepared to put in to having the shape you want, you should make sure you're confident that it was the right decision for your overall happiness, and then just start working on accepting the results.

I guess I'm a bit further on than you, having been stable at about 2 stone heavier than I'd ideally like for a couple of years now, and I have found it getting easier.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

having made a choice about how much effort you're prepared to put in to having the shape you want, you should make sure you're confident that it was the right decision for your overall happiness, and then just start working on accepting the results.

Well summarised :)

It does seem like something I'll come to terms with fairly easily - I'm good at not worrying about things that I've decided are inevitable - but it's really odd to find myself thinking about my physique at all - it was so static for so long.

[zellah.livejournal.com]

This is something I can totally relate to. After my weight gain when I stopped working I really got rather tired of people telling me that I looked fine and shouldn't complain and that they couldn't tell any difference. My response was usually 'well, you haven't seen me naked'... and it's not like the two people who get to see me naked are going to comment on my weight gain. In the end, whether it's noticeable or not to the 'Average Joe', I still feel fat and unattractive.

No one can tell you you're fine, you have to believe it yourself, or work to get back to where you're happy.

Neither of which are easy things to do.

*snuggles*

I still think you're sexy as hell, for what it's worth.

[skorpionuk.livejournal.com]

That Helen talks a lot of sense sometimes, doesn't she? ;-)

I like your final paragraph; as you might imagine, it's something I've come across time and again. Sure, people telling you that you're not ugly or whatever sinks in eventually, if this is an issue for you. But saying, "I feel that people judge me for my weight / do not consider me attractive, and I'm unhappy about that", is one thing; it's quite another, as you say, to feel unhappy within yourself about changes that have taken place in your body, whether that's weight or health or mentally or anything else you care to mention. Reassurance that you're not an ogre doesn't really touch on the latter, although it's helpful if any of the former is going on.

[lovelybug.livejournal.com]

This is one I've battled with all of my adult life, and there are no easy answers. In your case it seems to me that your body has reacted totally normally to a decrease in your exercise and increase in calorie intake.

I try to think of it in these thermodynamic terms now, though it's easy for my body image crap to get involved. I can recommend The Hacker's Diet (http://www.fourmilab.ch/hackdiet/www/hackdiet.html) *not* necessarily to lose weight, but to help you focus on how your weight is effected by energy intake and output. It's working for me.

Those are my thoughts - you are entirely free to ignore them :)

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Link looks interesting, will have a read of that tomorrow :)

[hythloday.livejournal.com]

(I have more thoughts on this that I'm not going to address until I'm in front of a keyboard.)

I think a lot of the reason why people do chime in with the "but you look fine to _me_" isn't to contradict but to inform; we're aware of the disparity between the self's perception of self and of others, so we seek to reassure others that they are as we would like to be. It's a bit like triangulation.

Also, it's difficult to talk meaningfully to other people about their perceptions of themselves, especially when you disagree, and "so you don't like the way you look? Huh, that sucks." is a pretty low mark to find a better comment than. :-)

[akam-i.livejournal.com]

well my surgeries were nowhere near as drastic as invasive as yours Denny, but I actually lost weight after my first knee op.

Could not train for 8 weeks while the knee recovered, then I gradually increased my gym sessions. In April this year I had my other kneecap re-aligned, and another 8 weeks out of the gym, and even longer before I was back on full leg weights.

The trick with fat burning is cardio exercise. If you are still building muscle strength, try training in water - not water aerobics as such but working out in water adds resistance so the muscles get a good workout without them being over-worked.

the trick is to not lose hope. You might feel that your body is hopelessly out of shape compared to how you were, but if you are determined enough, you will succeed and you will get your physique back. Just be patient :)

[original-hell.livejournal.com]

hello there. i just stumbled across this page. i was looking for those links you posted ages ago, little images about smoking? with captions like "I carry a 500000degree flame around a dance floor" or something.

But that is irrelevant, really, because I will find them eventually.
I wondered if you still felt odd about your body image stuffs, and if you would like to talk about it? Mine is a little bit complicated at the moment.
xx