No, you can't use me for sex.

[denny]

...not because I wouldn't let you, but just because I don't see how it would be possible. I like sex.


A few times lately in various conversations I've heard girls use phrases like "He was just using me for sex" or "I don't want to be used for sex", and also things like "He needs to earn it first".

I don't understand this concept.

As far as I can tell, having sex with someone is a trade. They get some, you get some. Everyone's a winner.

If a girl wants to have sex with me, then I don't see how I can 'use' her for sex, and I don't see why I should have to 'earn' it either. If she wants sex with me, and she gets it, surely that's a fairly successful outcome for her? And if she doesn't want sex with me, then I wouldn't want to do it anyway... half-hearted shags are almost invariably crap.

Anyway, can anybody explain the fault in my reasoning? Maybe girls have a sekrit stockpile of sex that guys steal from them if they don't keep it carefully guarded at all times...

Do girls actually feel like they're doing blokes a huge one-way favour when they sleep with them? If so, why do they bother doing it?

I say 'girl' because I've yet to hear a guy complain about being used for sex. Odd that. Is this because men are sluts, or is it because society has given women some weird artificially inflated opinion of the value of their participation in the sex act, compared to the participation of the guy?

Or perhaps it's that women are less likely to enjoy sex? The problem I have is reconciling enjoying sex and 'feeling used' by it. I suppose if you hated sex but did it anyway (for what?) then it would make more sense.

I know gay guys don't seem to be worried about being used for sex. Is the concept in use in the gay scene for women, or is it strictly a heterosexual thing? Maybe it's part of the whole 'women as property' mess that our society is still trying to shake off?

I really don't understand this attitude to sex - and when it's aimed at me, I find it quite insulting. It takes two to tango... if you don't want me as much as I want you, then why are we even talking about it?

Comments

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Is your general background level of distrust in men really so high that you see exactly the same level of risk to having vanilla sex with a stranger and doing a BDSM scene with one?

The worst possible scenario may be the same - rape, torture and murder, I suppose - but that's not the only possible outcome to either situation. Life is shades of grey.

[fellcat.livejournal.com]

I percieve BDSM sex as being riskier only because it's easier to abuse someone who's tied up already. However, with regard to your statement, that's moot as the background distrust I feel towards men is too high these days for me to engage in either vanilla or BDSM sex with a stranger.

It's the worst possiblities − murder, battery, torture, rape (isn't that a subset of torture anyway?) − that I fear; I know already that most other possibilities are survivable, if somewhat unpleasant.

[fellcat.livejournal.com]

BDSM sex as being riskier

That's physical risk BTW; I originally stated the same risk […] in terms of trust, which refers to breach of trust not physical risk, and which I stand by.