Sunny Sunday rambling...

Party went well. I got nervous before performing, which was completely unexpected... after all, I've spun fire plenty of times, and you would think that flames would be more worrying than an audience. Apparently not. Anyway, it all went very well and I got lots of applause. Oh, they had me spinning in the barn. The listed building, wooden barn. Not that I was particularly bothered - it's not my barn :) - but it was a little unexpected. Spinning fire indoors is quite nice, and it kept me out of the wind which was a bit obtrusive at that point in the evening. Did two spins indoors, and a couple outdoors at various stages through the night. Also wandered around juggling, and spinning my new glow-poi which looked pretty nice. jazzydan was doing the camcorder thing, so hopefully I'll get some pics/footage of some of it.

The drive back was suitably unpleasant, lots of traffic on the north and south circular route. I really need to figure out the best way to get to my place when coming in from M1... I'm sure that going all the way around the M25 and then cutting in on the A3 (my dad's preference) can't really be that efficient, but none of the more internal routes I've tried are working very well for me either. I suppose it doesn't matter too much for a while - the hire car goes back sometime tonight, then I won't be driving again for at least a fortnight, maybe longer. *pout* I want my car back.

Oh, I've added yet another item to the long list of 'things which turn me on'. Being in a car with air-con on a sunny day is apparently nice. I guess it's all the libido-inciting niceness of sunny summer days, without the 'being too hot and sweaty' disadvantages.

I think I should go out and do something today, it's so amazingly nice out... however, what I'd normally do on a sunny Sunday is go to Clapham Common and spin poi. I spent quite a lot of last night spinning poi and juggling, I'm a bit tired of it just for now :)

Also, I'm hungry... but I don't want any of the things I have in the house, which are warm food. In fact, I'm not really sure what non-warm foods I like. Tuna-mayo sandwiches maybe. I suppose I should go to the supermarket and see what looks good... or what's left, it being nearly closing time.

</ramble>

Sod's Law: the Full Fridge corollary

Went to supermarket. Spent over 60 quid on food, mostly of a picnic and munchies nature. Came home. Filled fridge.

Not hungry.

Passion / obsession.

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm not very happy at the moment. Something occurred to me during the drive home today that seems to be thinking along the right lines, although I've not kicked it around much yet, so it might not cover everything. Few theories do :)

Generally speaking I'm quite an obsessive person. I get very involved in new hobbies, and often in new relationships unless I'm deliberately holding back from them. I like this about myself... I like to be passionate about the things (and people) which interest me.

Currently, there's nothing in my life about which I am passionate.

My job is okay. My flat is okay. I don't really get out much, although perhaps that will improve now that I have some money. I don't have any serious hobbies any more - Kings of Chaos has finally started to lose its fascination for me, and it has eaten so much time from my life that all my other hobbies have fallen by the wayside during the time I've been playing it. I haven't written any code outside of work for months now, quite possibly years. I've owned a new computer for weeks now and I still haven't even bothered to install Linux on it - it sits unused, testiment to my apathy.

I juggle and do poi, but I've not really focussed on those much this year, with the cold weather making Spitz unbearable for me (or more specifically, for my bad leg) until recently. Hopefully now that the summer is upon us, I'll spend more time outside playing with my toys, and at least that's a bit healthier than time spent indoors poking my PC... it's not really something that I'm fascinated by though. It doesn't drive me, I don't spend every spare minute thinking about it... and that's what I'm missing from my life. I miss having something about which I care so passionately that it occupies my mind and my life, filling me with interest and excitement, compelling me to spend every spare bit of time and energy that I have on it.

And so, with people. I have possibly more friends at this point in my life than any other, but I also have less people about whom I am passionate. I've often said that I have few friends, but they are close friends. I'm not sure that's really true any more... I have quite a lot of friends now, but I don't feel so close to any of them, and I don't know to what extent that can be improved upon. There's also nobody that I'm regularly sleeping with, and that in particular pains me - not just for the physical reasons, although they rank high in my list of things that make life worthwhile, but also for the connection, the shared passion that is so important to me.

I don't seem to be finding any answers with all this thinking I'm doing, which is frustrating. I keep thinking that maybe if I can figure out exactly what my problem is, then this will make the solution apparent - but perhaps that isn't the case. People are complicated things... none more so than oneself, sometimes.