Passion / obsession.
Jun. 19th, 2005 07:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dennyI've been thinking a lot about why I'm not very happy at the moment. Something occurred to me during the drive home today that seems to be thinking along the right lines, although I've not kicked it around much yet, so it might not cover everything. Few theories do :)
Generally speaking I'm quite an obsessive person. I get very involved in new hobbies, and often in new relationships unless I'm deliberately holding back from them. I like this about myself... I like to be passionate about the things (and people) which interest me.
Currently, there's nothing in my life about which I am passionate.
My job is okay. My flat is okay. I don't really get out much, although perhaps that will improve now that I have some money. I don't have any serious hobbies any more - Kings of Chaos has finally started to lose its fascination for me, and it has eaten so much time from my life that all my other hobbies have fallen by the wayside during the time I've been playing it. I haven't written any code outside of work for months now, quite possibly years. I've owned a new computer for weeks now and I still haven't even bothered to install Linux on it - it sits unused, testiment to my apathy.
I juggle and do poi, but I've not really focussed on those much this year, with the cold weather making Spitz unbearable for me (or more specifically, for my bad leg) until recently. Hopefully now that the summer is upon us, I'll spend more time outside playing with my toys, and at least that's a bit healthier than time spent indoors poking my PC... it's not really something that I'm fascinated by though. It doesn't drive me, I don't spend every spare minute thinking about it... and that's what I'm missing from my life. I miss having something about which I care so passionately that it occupies my mind and my life, filling me with interest and excitement, compelling me to spend every spare bit of time and energy that I have on it.
And so, with people. I have possibly more friends at this point in my life than any other, but I also have less people about whom I am passionate. I've often said that I have few friends, but they are close friends. I'm not sure that's really true any more... I have quite a lot of friends now, but I don't feel so close to any of them, and I don't know to what extent that can be improved upon. There's also nobody that I'm regularly sleeping with, and that in particular pains me - not just for the physical reasons, although they rank high in my list of things that make life worthwhile, but also for the connection, the shared passion that is so important to me.
I don't seem to be finding any answers with all this thinking I'm doing, which is frustrating. I keep thinking that maybe if I can figure out exactly what my problem is, then this will make the solution apparent - but perhaps that isn't the case. People are complicated things... none more so than oneself, sometimes.
Generally speaking I'm quite an obsessive person. I get very involved in new hobbies, and often in new relationships unless I'm deliberately holding back from them. I like this about myself... I like to be passionate about the things (and people) which interest me.
Currently, there's nothing in my life about which I am passionate.
My job is okay. My flat is okay. I don't really get out much, although perhaps that will improve now that I have some money. I don't have any serious hobbies any more - Kings of Chaos has finally started to lose its fascination for me, and it has eaten so much time from my life that all my other hobbies have fallen by the wayside during the time I've been playing it. I haven't written any code outside of work for months now, quite possibly years. I've owned a new computer for weeks now and I still haven't even bothered to install Linux on it - it sits unused, testiment to my apathy.
I juggle and do poi, but I've not really focussed on those much this year, with the cold weather making Spitz unbearable for me (or more specifically, for my bad leg) until recently. Hopefully now that the summer is upon us, I'll spend more time outside playing with my toys, and at least that's a bit healthier than time spent indoors poking my PC... it's not really something that I'm fascinated by though. It doesn't drive me, I don't spend every spare minute thinking about it... and that's what I'm missing from my life. I miss having something about which I care so passionately that it occupies my mind and my life, filling me with interest and excitement, compelling me to spend every spare bit of time and energy that I have on it.
And so, with people. I have possibly more friends at this point in my life than any other, but I also have less people about whom I am passionate. I've often said that I have few friends, but they are close friends. I'm not sure that's really true any more... I have quite a lot of friends now, but I don't feel so close to any of them, and I don't know to what extent that can be improved upon. There's also nobody that I'm regularly sleeping with, and that in particular pains me - not just for the physical reasons, although they rank high in my list of things that make life worthwhile, but also for the connection, the shared passion that is so important to me.
I don't seem to be finding any answers with all this thinking I'm doing, which is frustrating. I keep thinking that maybe if I can figure out exactly what my problem is, then this will make the solution apparent - but perhaps that isn't the case. People are complicated things... none more so than oneself, sometimes.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-19 09:20 pm (UTC)So start doing things you haven't considered before. I was fascinated by silversmithing after discovering it at Greenbelt one year. I haven't started it up but it sits there in the back of my mind waiting for a calmer time to pop up and re-establish itself.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-19 09:25 pm (UTC)I for one, am very sorry you feel that way, and to be honest it made for slightly painfull reading, you are one of the very few people I confide in, on the rare occaisions I feel the need to confide.
It bought home to me the fact that I don't make the effort to see friends I care about, of which you are one.
Your statement is in fact sadly ironic, as I had two conversations about " you " over the weekend in which I said you were one of my closest freinids, and that I really felt bad about not seeing you often enough, or more to the point, when I do get the chance to see you, I hardly have the chance to catch up. ( Again, My fault )
I trust it goes without saying, that if I can ever be of help, you know you only have to pick up the phone.
As stated in bith my conversations over the weekend I am proud to call you " freind ".
(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-20 12:07 am (UTC)Hammer.Hit(nail.Head);
I feel almost identical, but was seeing things in terms of apathy. Viewing the problem in terms of passion is much more positive - being frustrated ends up being (almost) a Good Thing, as many/most other people would simply Make Do.
Apathy born of frustration is highly infectious, to the point of being quietly destructive of friendships/relationships. So I've found, anyhow.
Finding a passion simply to fill that void is not a solution, though, is it? That feels hollow. It must be a real, nurtured passion, and that takes commitment and confidence: two things which for me are in short supply, even without the apathy.
I've been tracing back through past interests to find out what really 'makes me tick'. It's bizarre. Choices which seemed random 10 years ago can now seem inspired; those which seemed bold and promising can now seem dumb and rash. There are of course those which fall somewhere in between.
Thanks for the 'passionate' viewpoint - hope you (re)discover something inspiring.
M
(no subject)
Date: 2005-06-20 08:01 am (UTC)As far as finding a new interest/obsession goes, I tend to agree that it should be something that finds you, rather than something that you find... but there are ways you can make yourself into a more conspicuous target :) While life is slow, you can try things out and see which ones grab you, if any.
For a while I was wondering if the whole poi/juggling thing might pick up into a full-blown obsession, but it seems to be staying at a casual hobby level. I may find myself drifting through the modified car scene for a while now (once I get the damn thing back on the road), but that's definitely not going to turn into a driving (ho ho) interest... for me it's only a matter of how much money I'm willing to spend - car maintenance/modification being one of those things for which I have no or even negative aptitude :)
I think the tricky bit is to not retreat into a shell of just mechanically living your life day by day - work, eat, sleep; lather, rinse, repeat - and miss out on any new things that might come along. You have to hold yourself open to new interests and experiences, despite not really feeling like you have any energy to commit to them. If you find the right thing, then the energy will appear.