No, you can't use me for sex.
Oct. 4th, 2005 03:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
denny...not because I wouldn't let you, but just because I don't see how it would be possible. I like sex.
A few times lately in various conversations I've heard girls use phrases like "He was just using me for sex" or "I don't want to be used for sex", and also things like "He needs to earn it first".
I don't understand this concept.
As far as I can tell, having sex with someone is a trade. They get some, you get some. Everyone's a winner.
If a girl wants to have sex with me, then I don't see how I can 'use' her for sex, and I don't see why I should have to 'earn' it either. If she wants sex with me, and she gets it, surely that's a fairly successful outcome for her? And if she doesn't want sex with me, then I wouldn't want to do it anyway... half-hearted shags are almost invariably crap.
Anyway, can anybody explain the fault in my reasoning? Maybe girls have a sekrit stockpile of sex that guys steal from them if they don't keep it carefully guarded at all times...
Do girls actually feel like they're doing blokes a huge one-way favour when they sleep with them? If so, why do they bother doing it?
I say 'girl' because I've yet to hear a guy complain about being used for sex. Odd that. Is this because men are sluts, or is it because society has given women some weird artificially inflated opinion of the value of their participation in the sex act, compared to the participation of the guy?
Or perhaps it's that women are less likely to enjoy sex? The problem I have is reconciling enjoying sex and 'feeling used' by it. I suppose if you hated sex but did it anyway (for what?) then it would make more sense.
I know gay guys don't seem to be worried about being used for sex. Is the concept in use in the gay scene for women, or is it strictly a heterosexual thing? Maybe it's part of the whole 'women as property' mess that our society is still trying to shake off?
I really don't understand this attitude to sex - and when it's aimed at me, I find it quite insulting. It takes two to tango... if you don't want me as much as I want you, then why are we even talking about it?
A few times lately in various conversations I've heard girls use phrases like "He was just using me for sex" or "I don't want to be used for sex", and also things like "He needs to earn it first".
I don't understand this concept.
As far as I can tell, having sex with someone is a trade. They get some, you get some. Everyone's a winner.
If a girl wants to have sex with me, then I don't see how I can 'use' her for sex, and I don't see why I should have to 'earn' it either. If she wants sex with me, and she gets it, surely that's a fairly successful outcome for her? And if she doesn't want sex with me, then I wouldn't want to do it anyway... half-hearted shags are almost invariably crap.
Anyway, can anybody explain the fault in my reasoning? Maybe girls have a sekrit stockpile of sex that guys steal from them if they don't keep it carefully guarded at all times...
Do girls actually feel like they're doing blokes a huge one-way favour when they sleep with them? If so, why do they bother doing it?
I say 'girl' because I've yet to hear a guy complain about being used for sex. Odd that. Is this because men are sluts, or is it because society has given women some weird artificially inflated opinion of the value of their participation in the sex act, compared to the participation of the guy?
Or perhaps it's that women are less likely to enjoy sex? The problem I have is reconciling enjoying sex and 'feeling used' by it. I suppose if you hated sex but did it anyway (for what?) then it would make more sense.
I know gay guys don't seem to be worried about being used for sex. Is the concept in use in the gay scene for women, or is it strictly a heterosexual thing? Maybe it's part of the whole 'women as property' mess that our society is still trying to shake off?
I really don't understand this attitude to sex - and when it's aimed at me, I find it quite insulting. It takes two to tango... if you don't want me as much as I want you, then why are we even talking about it?
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-04 04:06 pm (UTC)Alot of the statemnets you've heard are based in a number of cultural asummptions that I don't like; for example, that men are more interested in sex than women, that men can have sex without beoming emotionally involved but women can't, that sex is more valuable for a woman, that women shouldn't have casual or emotionally uninvolved sex, that women don't enjoy sex as much as men, that women's only power over men is sex. The latter one in particualr tends to me annoyed, because it leads to those sex-for-housework negotiations and also to men who actually buy into thsi shit and start telling you how theres a secret matriarchy running the world disempowering poor ickle men.
Anyway, if you work on the basis of any or all of those ideas, the sentences you describe make perfect sense. They just don't if you've actually thought anything out at all. Or realised that you like sex.
Personally, I imagine I could feel used for sex, given that I expect men who have sex with me to have some sort of respect for me afterwards, and there were very obviuosly some who didn't. But I tend to regard that just as a mistake, rather than as being used. I can always rectify it by violence, anyway.
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-04 11:19 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's that last sentence that has me stumped. Once you've decided that actually, you just like the activity for its own sake, then building big complex emotional structures around it seems like something to be done only if you've got a good reason (i.e. you're in love with someone and you're building nice emotional structures), rather than a compulsory feature.