Do you want something to drink?

[denny]

I'm currently reading a book in which the main character is autistic. It's interesting seeing some of the parallels, particularly in social behaviour, with geek behavioural patterns.

One thing that particularly intrigued me was a scene where a group of autistic adults are all at one of them's apartment. One asks for a drink, others chime in, and the first-person narrative notes that 'normal' people keep asking you if you want a drink all the time - but it's so much more efficient this way, with people just asking for a drink when they want one.

I've always had a problem getting to grips with general host type behaviour - it seems so bizarre to me that I'd invite someone into my house and then treat them formally. If I have a friend around my house, I basically expect them to make themselves at home. If they want a drink, I expect them to raid the fridge, not sit there waiting for me to offer. The same applies in reverse - if I'm at someone else's place, I have to concentrate to figure out if they're going to be weirded out if I just wander off and raid their kitchen when I'm thirsty, whether they would prefer me to ask and let them get it.

You could say that it's being polite to offer your guests a drink, but as a guest I feel a bit weird about having my friend 'waiting' on me. The whole concept is so incredibly odd to me that I can't ever see myself going through the appropriate motions without a severe effort of concentration, to remember that this is what is considered appropriate behaviour in these circumstances.

So. A poll, and hopefully some discussion too.

[Poll #181663]

Comments

[velvetfox.livejournal.com]

the very first time as a hostess, then I would offer a drink, and then say "help yourself, now you know where they are". As I guest, I'd wait to be asked the first time, and then ask "is it ok to help myself?" or otherwise, inform "I'm just going to get a drink, ok?"

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Hrm, yes. As a guest, I try to ask something like "Is it okay if I grab a drink?", which makes it fairly obvious that I'd prefer to or am happy to do it myself, but leaves the way open for them to go and do it for me if that's the way they prefer things.

As a host, I dunno. On the occasions when I remember to offer, I'm probably so fixed on the issue of doing things 'properly' that I might not notice if guests subtly expressed a preference to fend for themselves. Mostly I tend to forget, and then feel rude when people ask - so then I leap up to make amends by getting them a drink, rather than just pointing them in the right direction.

[kissycat1000.livejournal.com]

As a guest, I try to ask something like "Is it okay if I grab a drink?",

Me too, if it's not offered (I wait for people to offer in case they prefer to). Which is why I've not done your poll as it's not an option. :P

The only trouble is that I actually like plain water and not many people feel that that's a 'proper' drink and almost get offended if I say, 'May I get myself some water?' They offer you everything else and feel they've failed as a host. Or something. :/

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

I'd say asking 'can I grab a drink?' is asking for a drink, even if you do end up getting it yourself. That's how I answered anyway.

I always offer people a knife and fork if they ask for a glass of water in Milton Keynes... this place is on top of so much clay you could practically sculpt with our water ;)

If someone asked if they could get water, I'd point out the contents of the fridge, but I wouldn't be put out if they seemed to prefer water. I'd think they were weird, but I wouldn't be put out by it :)

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

Well on the one occasion when I've stayed at your house, you went to Tesco on the way back, bought loads of chocolate Haagen Dazs and then didn't give me any. :p

Mind you I'm not complaining about anything else.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

That's my point you see... you could have helped yourself to it if you wanted some :) I don't even eat ice cream, so it must have been meant for guests...

And thankyou :)

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

But you didn't tell me that, and if anybody ate my chocolate ice cream without me saying they could, I would be very annoyed, so I thought you would too.

Oh1 That's a point - I must email you. *potters off to Hermes*

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Not that I'm turning all American on your ass, but: "Go get a bloody drink already! Jeeze.."

[nisaba.livejournal.com]

Does depend very much on the situation and the friend though. If someone's crashing at mine, I'm happy for them to help themselves. They're probably a good friend and know not to drink my last chocolate milk anyway :)

Less close friends/aquaintences around for a visit, I'd rather serve them - saves them rooting around in a strange kitchen for bits, and I can control stuff (in case I need that last bit of red wine for cooking that night or something). I have no problem with them asking though, in fact I like it because sometimes I do forget to offer. But it wouldn't be the end of the world if they helped themselves a drink, and some friends I would expect to do so.

Food is different - definitely don't like people helping themselves to my food unless I have explicitly said so (which I invariably do if someone's crashing at mine so it's probably a moot point, but I still prefer it).

Clear as mud? :)

[barakta]

Interesting poll, filled it out although some of the answers weren't what i would like but ach.

In my current house the kicthen has a table and chairs in it, so we tend to socialise in there some of the time, so its easy for me to get myself a drink and offer others one at the same time. I tend to offer a drink when they arrive with the 'if you want something please ask, I might not remember to offer'

I spent 3 months in Romania staying with 2 host families and being invited to places. The Romanians are famous for their hospitality, which is certainly an experience. Basically they offer you drink/food/sweets about 5 - 10 times an hour, it feels very odd to continually say no, and as a foreigner I was treated even more specially by them buying fizzy drinks like Coke a cola - which I can only drink in minute quanities before feeling sick.

I learned the best way to avoid this was to carry English Breakfast Tea-bags (I drink tea by the gallon) and introduce them to English style tea, that way they learned something about my culture and I didn't have to drink horrible stuff.

The other thing which your post brings up is the nature of a house you are in. I wouldn't help myself to food from someone's fridge as many of my friends have shared houses or food which is off limits - however I will ask if I can have some food, even if its just toast if I am hungry (which happens a lot).

I tend to say to guests if you are hungry please say, if you want a drink either help yourself or ask; if you don't tell me you are hungry/thirsty/cold etc you may suffer unnecesarily. Most people respond quite well to this and thats cool.

The only time I offer people food a lot is with Romanian friends, as they find it very hard to accustom themselves to the ask or help-yourself mentality. To them it is as alien as being waited on hand and foot is to me.

So to sum it up I will generally ask if I can have X while being happy to help myself to X at someone's house. And yes I drink tap-water quite often which used to freak people's mums when I was a kid (but it saved me from diet drinks which are evil.)

Ramble over.
Natalya

[aiwendel.livejournal.com]

When having guests I would hopefully offer them drinks on arrival, if i forgot and they were thirsty i'd be happy for them to ask for one.... Only if they were a very good friend and regular visitor would i expect them to help themselves... and generally i'd say "make yourself at home, help yourself" and after that be comfortable with them doing that, if they did before i'd be surprised and perhaps not at ease, particularly when living in a shared house and they don't know who's stuff is whose - hence i'd be happier if they asked "is it ok if i have this?" etc....

I would not presume to ask for a drink without being offered unless i was very thirsty, in which case i'd ask if i could have/help myself to a glass of water.

I would never ask for someone elses food/booze/fancy drink without first being offered.

Guests i would generally offer such things to, if they were there to be shared - and even if i did say "help yourself to x" I would be quite miffed if they finished the thing/ate the lot (assuming its a big to be shared thing) with out checking it was ok to finish it first/offering me the last bit etc.

I have had problems where i've said "help yourself" and by the next day the thing that had lasted me months and i was happy to Share had been completely finished - having half, acceptable, all, not. I'm not used to having to be more precise than that - having grown up in places where it would not be courteous to take from others with out asking...


as a result i will ask people numerous times if they want a drink, if they really don't want one, if they'd like another (assuming its not a party n i'm sober) and I would only be comfortable with people treating my stuff as theres after a period of politeness where the water is tested and it is ascertained as to what is up for grabs and acceptable and what isn't.... so situation with mates different to that with complete strangers - the formality drops off after its purpose has run out...


Or something.
i'll shut up n go to sleep now, sorry if that didn't make sense.
anyway, ask or wait to be offered definately above go get approach.

didn't say it was logical or good mind, just custom i guess...

[swiftangel.livejournal.com]

That's actually a good set of questions. If I go to someone's house, I don't expect to be waited on, but don't feel comfortable raiding the fridge without verbally being given permission unless it's someone I visit a *lot* who I know doesn't mind. I also feel bad asking, because people feel terrible if you ask and they have nothing to offer. That being said, I will ask if I'm thirsty and there hasn't been any offer... especially if I see other people drinking stuff. In that case, I phrase the question so they will either tell me what's available and get it, or tell me what's available and tell me to help myself.

When I have guests, I generally greet them at the door, offer drinks right away telling them what's available, and then letting them help themselves for the rest of the time.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_nicolai_/]

Offering a drink includes the possibility of helping yourself as a reply, which is hardly servile.
I tend to offer people a drink when I'm on home ground, but I will ask for one if I need one when I'm out and about. I see no problem with being asked if someone needs a drink.

[flannelcat.livejournal.com]

I normally offer as soon as we've stepped into the house - but then I get mst of my host guidlines from when I was very young, living with my late grandmother. ("No. She's not dead. She shoud have been here an hour ago")

More importantly - the book..."Speed of Dark" isn't it? About Autism and fencing?

Autism is one of my interests I'm afrad - five of the students I'm working with are in the Autistic spectrum. "Speed of Dark" really caught me, having TWO of my main interests in one book.
The idea of an autistic fencer with pattern recognition as his savant skill...would be fascinating to go a couple of bouts with somebody like that.

Have you finished it yet?

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's the book, and yes, I've finished it. I read it in one sitting basically... good book, I thought.

I thought the trite 'happy' ending was a bit of a let down though.

[flannelcat.livejournal.com]

What, flying off into the sunset, as it were?
Yup. I'm with you there. There could have been so many other things you could have done with it...

Another one, if it caught your interest is - "The Curious Incident of the Dead Dog in the Afternoon" - also from the p.o.v. of an autistic. It's slightly better constructed, as a novel. Downside? No fencing. *Shrug*

*Swoosh!* *STAB*


(Arrrrr, Dennylad....)