No, you can't use me for sex.

[denny]

...not because I wouldn't let you, but just because I don't see how it would be possible. I like sex.


A few times lately in various conversations I've heard girls use phrases like "He was just using me for sex" or "I don't want to be used for sex", and also things like "He needs to earn it first".

I don't understand this concept.

As far as I can tell, having sex with someone is a trade. They get some, you get some. Everyone's a winner.

If a girl wants to have sex with me, then I don't see how I can 'use' her for sex, and I don't see why I should have to 'earn' it either. If she wants sex with me, and she gets it, surely that's a fairly successful outcome for her? And if she doesn't want sex with me, then I wouldn't want to do it anyway... half-hearted shags are almost invariably crap.

Anyway, can anybody explain the fault in my reasoning? Maybe girls have a sekrit stockpile of sex that guys steal from them if they don't keep it carefully guarded at all times...

Do girls actually feel like they're doing blokes a huge one-way favour when they sleep with them? If so, why do they bother doing it?

I say 'girl' because I've yet to hear a guy complain about being used for sex. Odd that. Is this because men are sluts, or is it because society has given women some weird artificially inflated opinion of the value of their participation in the sex act, compared to the participation of the guy?

Or perhaps it's that women are less likely to enjoy sex? The problem I have is reconciling enjoying sex and 'feeling used' by it. I suppose if you hated sex but did it anyway (for what?) then it would make more sense.

I know gay guys don't seem to be worried about being used for sex. Is the concept in use in the gay scene for women, or is it strictly a heterosexual thing? Maybe it's part of the whole 'women as property' mess that our society is still trying to shake off?

I really don't understand this attitude to sex - and when it's aimed at me, I find it quite insulting. It takes two to tango... if you don't want me as much as I want you, then why are we even talking about it?

Comments

[kissycat1000.livejournal.com]

I think feeling 'used' for sex comes about when the person doing the complaining feels that the experience was purely physical when they wanted something more than that - a relationship, a merging of souls, a feeling that they have now become more special to you than they previously were. However if you go into it not expecting any of these things and not knowing that your partner does, then you get problems.

Also, really bad sex where you take you pleasure but don't go out of your way to make sure that your partner is satisfied - that's 'using' someone for sex, I'm sure.

I don't recall ever feeling that I've been used for sex before by a particular person, though I have had some instances of an established partner keeping an emotional distance from me during sex, or just taking their pleasure with no care for mine. That could qualify, I suppose.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

I think feeling 'used' for sex comes about when the person doing the complaining feels that the experience was purely physical when they wanted something more than that - a relationship, a merging of souls, a feeling that they have now become more special to you than they previously were.

From my point of view, you don't get 'a merging of souls' from sex. You can reinforce emotional closeness with sex, you can glory in it (oh how you can glory in it!), but you don't generate it. Maybe I'm odd in this respect?

I sleep with people either because I think it will be good fun, or because I love them and it will be both good fun and emotionally amazing. I never expect to sleep with someone I don't already love and have it be emotionally amazing in that same way...

Also, really bad sex where you take you pleasure but don't go out of your way to make sure that your partner is satisfied - that's 'using' someone for sex, I'm sure.

This is a good point... I said having sex with somebody is a trade... of course, it should really be a fair trade to be worth doing.

[kissycat1000.livejournal.com]

OK, 'merging of souls' was meant as an exaggeration. However I, for one, do feel more emotionally close to someone after being physically intimate with them, to at least some extent. (Often this just takes them up to a 'more than just a normal friend' status when I think of them, but the difference is certainly there.) Is this more common with femailes, do you think? That might explain why it tends to be girls who feel 'used'..?

[lusercop.livejournal.com]

I don't know, but I won't sleep with anyone I don't inherently trust or feel for at that emotional level.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

I can feel that, but it's by no means guaranteed. I definitely don't think it's the sex that causes the emotional connection though - maybe it just encourages me to think about how I really feel about someone.

[taimatsu]

As an additional data-point for this 'one-sided sex' thing: the one time I have felt 'used for sex' was when I engaged in what I expected would be a mutual oral sex session with a friend - I didn't expect that it was more than a one-off, or that we would start dating, or anything else, but I did expect that it would be mutual, and I don't think that was unreasonable in the circumstances. I certainly didn't expect him to brush off any suggestion that he would reciprocate the favour I'd just done him and escort me out to the car for a lift home. That rankled!

(If I'd been a bit older and a bit more confident I'd have made sure he knew what an arsehole he was being at the time - ah, hindsight.)