Miserable bastard...

[denny]

A theme seems to be emerging in things various people have said to me lately... along the lines of "makes a change to see you smile" and "I don't think I've ever heard you laugh before" and "you always seem so serious" and so on... and so I ask you, those who know me: Am I in fact a miserable bastard? I didn't think so, but I'm starting to wonder.

I guess I've had more than my fair share of down moods in the last year, but I think that's reasonable under the circumstances. A second question then, for those who've known me long enough: If I am a miserable bastard, was I like it before the accident? And a third question: If I wasn't, is it about time I got over it?

I don't think there are enough people reading this who knew me before I split up with my last monogamous girlfriend for it to be worth me posing the latter two questions with that as a reference point in time instead of the accident - probably only elise and darklightimages knew me before all that happened, only the latter knowing me well before it all started to happen. Which is a shame, because thinking about it I suspect that if I have lost a light-hearted element of my character, I most likely dropped it around then.

Tangentially related, I got my appointment today to go and see the local mental health team next week. This is primarily for the depression/PTS/etc from the accident, but I guess they'll cover whatever problems I appear to come to them with. My mood crashed horribly when I damaged my leg last week, I appear to be terrified to near-mindlessness of being stuck back in the 'life on pause' status that temporary disability brings with it. I'm just feeling the first hints of that mood lifting now, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere near as quickly as I'd hoped it would once I tentatively started walking again.

Comments

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

You seemed to be just as miserable in the down patches before the accident, but they were further apart and the non-down patches between them had less background miserable.

[c0th.livejournal.com]

It's hard to make to a objective judgement, as any mood was likely affected by a certain powder friend of yours, around the time you mention.

That aside, I'd say you weren't miserable as such. I feel you just exhibit a general tiredness with reality, that comes from being grounded. I tend to get "miserable" when I think about quantum mechanics, the feeling of being dwarfed not by something so large, but by discrete processes that carry on "underneath" me.
I've found that feeling often harder to deal with, than say, someone bashing my front door in.

x
D

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

Well.. I think you realise that having a new job etc is going to help things immeasurably. Being able to do the things you used to is going to help. I don't see how you could have reacted much better than you did. It's a shit what happened, including the other things that happened as a domino effect.

Just keep finding ways to carry on doing the things you want to do and don't reflect too much. Sounds like you're going to get some help and backup for when you do feel like reflection so that's good.

*hugs*

[zellah.livejournal.com]

probably only elise and darklightimages knew me before all that happened

I'm rather insulted by that, but I'll let it go.

I think you've been a lot worse in your moods since the accident, but in all honesty I think you've still been surprisingly together through it. Give yourself some credit. You didn't abandon your friends, or take your pain out on those around you. You didn't totally cut yourself off and even though you did lose hope at some points, you never gave up.

I've been a lot worse to people for much lesser reasons.

I hope you get some use out of the counselling, but remember your friends love you and will be there to listen whenever you need. See? We're still here!

Love you angel. Can't wait to give you snuggles this weekend.

[ev1ldonut.livejournal.com]

Hrm... I dont really know you very well at all, but for what it's worth, on the one occasion I've actually met you, you were smiling lots and friendly enough. :)

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Hrm... I had it very clearly in my mind that you were the first girl I met after I became single. Either I'm more delusional than usual, or you didn't know me before that relationship broke up.

[zellah.livejournal.com]

I thought you meant before the accident?

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

Um, no. Possibly poor positional grammar there then, although it seemed to make sense at the time.

[zellah.livejournal.com]

although it seemed to make sense at the time

It usually does :P

[dpash.livejournal.com]

The only time I met you, you seemed happy and not at all miserable, from what I remember

[djlongfella.livejournal.com]

He He Hee..Didn't think you could get away with a post like that, without this arrogant miserable bastard, shoving his 10 pence worth where it weren't welcomed did you ? : )

Seriously, in ALL the time I've known you...you 've grumbled to me about a few things, some serious, some not so, but not without cause in my opinion..

I've always found you to be intelligently funny, and don't recall ever thinking " well what have I done to fuck him off then "...
Having been laid up for a long time after a motorcycle accident, by no means as gruesome as yours, I know how the depression can set in, and to be honest I think you done got through it well..I know it over yet, but things are progressing....

To be honest if you had been pissed off from the day you took to the tarmac like a fly on it's back till now, I would have thought " fair "... I mean at least in prison they cook your meals for you..whereas you had the confinement of an institution, without the " luxuries " of hand maidens with flat hats, shiny boots and long key chains...

I can't relate to when you were with who, or when as my memory is a little shot, and to be honest I can never keep up, what I do know is that you were noticeably happier after you left a certain relationship and got on with who you are... I'm not gonna mention any names co's I don't want her round here trashing my gaff...:)

Part from that matey..Miserable bastard has not been a title I would have placed over your coat hook in all the time I've known ya...


I think that those who have said " makes a change to see you smile " may be slightly misunderstood and are probably trying to say, " glad you have worked through this chapter, and the end is obviously in sight as you are noticeably happier..."

Must admit, don't know many, if any other people that when damn near crippled, would come to a nightclub with glow sticks in their crutches, or grasping their glowing balls...:0

Do I get my fiver now ?

Ring if you need me....

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

I can't relate to when you were with who [...] I'm not gonna mention any names co's I don't want her round here trashing my gaff...:)

Heh. That's the one I was talking about, yes.

Do I get my fiver now ?

For that lot? I reckon so! :)

[duranorak.livejournal.com]

No, you're not - generally. Right now, yes, you are, and have been for a while. But not since the accident and not, quite, because of it - although I don't really know what it *is* because of.

Also can I legally e-mail you yet or is it much too soon and will I look desperate? I am, of course, but I'm just checking whether I'll look it as well. :)

E.
x

[daemongirl.livejournal.com]

*holds you close for a hug, if you want it*

[wechsler.livejournal.com]

At the risk of cliché, you're not particularly miserable, you're just goth. (ok, goth-like ;). Smiling and laughing aren't really your default - but that doesn't mean you're miserable, just a bit more thoughtful. Yes, you've had some depressive periods but that's not the default either. And the lighter-hearted element isn't lost, just on hold a bit. You are now almost through this, and I can only suggest that you try not to think "fuck, not this again" but rather "well I know how to do this now".

Oh and if you want some company from this direction any time, just let me know.

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

*checks Book of Lore* I think you're okay :)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

The girls draped off his arms had nothing to do with it.. ;)