I give up. For now.

[denny]

This was going to be a goodbye note. The title was just "I give up.".

I got about 3/4 of the way through typing it before realising that actually, I'm not, quite, that low. But I've really had enough of my life for now. I just don't think the alternative is any better.

The anger flared and was gone again. I don't have the energy to sustain anger these days. I think I was hoping I could follow through on the emptiness, but emptiness doesn't really have any power, just a quiet despair. I suspect no-one ever changed the world, even their own world, powered by quiet despair.

So this isn't goodbye. It's not a private entry, and I'm not emailing the password to a friend who I know doesn't check their mail very often. I'm drunk, but it won't matter that my blood is thinner for it. The bath I've run can go cold. The blade can stay clean. My disinterest in my life extends to a lack of interest in ending it. I'm saved by my own apathy.

Maybe I just took a sullen delight in planning all the little details, knowing I wouldn't really do it. I honestly don't know. I just want things to be easier, and for a while, that seemed like a perfectly rational way to achieve it. And now it doesn't. The wheel turns, the game continues. I just don't want to play.

I'm a bit old for teenage angst. Maybe this is my second childhood. Most guys get motorbikes and cute blondes when they get older, but I did that bit already. Maybe I get spots and failed suicide attempts instead.

It's a bit sad that the visible cue for all this was a fine for an untaxed car. It's actually a little more complex than that though. Sometimes you just can't take any more.

I'm in so much debt I couldn't pay it off if I sold my house and everything in it. It doesn't help that I keep forgetting to pay things, or putting them off and putting them off until I get hit with extra charges and, increasingly often, a court summons. I have no concept of time. I put things off for a few days, and get a letter telling me I haven't paid for two months. It takes me by surprise every time it happens, but it keeps happening.

My health is fairly screwed, long term, although it's not always apparent. Some of my friends know more about the why and how much than others. Note that this isn't a friends-only entry, much less filtered, so I'm not going into details. But the fact that I was diagnosed with depression last year is both a direct and indirect consequence of the rest of my health problems. I guess the screwed up time-sense is something to do with the depression. It's so hard to concentrate on the trivia of day to day existence.

There are bright moments in my life. Time spent with friends. But I don't think to go to my friends when I feel like this. I sit at home. On my bed. I can glance at the clock when I get home from work, sit down on the bed, look at the clock again and 6 hours have passed.

Or, increasingly, I sit with my computer. Trying desperately to feel connected to people despite the fact that half the time I don't want to be with them. LJ is good for that. IRC sometimes works, but sometimes it's too real for me to be able to cope with it. It feels too intrusive.

There are few people who I can bear to be near when this happens. They're all on LJ, and hopefully they know who they are, the most special people to me. I'm sorry I didn't call any of you, but. There just didn't seem any point. Now there does, so I guess I'll do that in a bit.

I think I need to go and see my doctor again. Things aren't really getting all that much better in my head. Sometimes they seem like they are, but then that just seems to make the bad bits that much more unbearable.

Maybe I'm just being weak on purpose. Maybe I could cope fine if I just got my shit together. I used to be cynical about depression, until I actually dated someone who had it. I used to think it was people who just couldn't be bothered to get on with life. Now I know. That's not a totally unreasonable description. Except that I used to think they decided to be that way. Maybe I am.

But making decisions is not something that's happening here right now. Not even the one that I thought I'd made before I started this note. So now it's not a note. It's just a whinge. Sorry about the whinging. But I'm guessing anyone who cares enough to read it will care enough to be glad it's not the note it started out as.

I thought I should post it anyway. So I'm not sitting here thinking to myself, going over it in my head. Once it's written and posted, maybe my mind will move on from all the reasons why I don't want to be alive any more, and start thinking about the good things that have happened to me these last few months. They're so hard to remember sometimes. The mental and emotional darkness seems to obscure them from view. But they should shine. I don't know how it gets so dark that those things can't shine through.

I wish it wouldn't.

Comments

[ergotia.livejournal.com]

Obviously it is upsetting to hear how you feel, but I always tend to focus on practical things when someone is this low, so nothing that follows is meant to sound harsh.

Are you taking anything for the depression? Is it helping? Is your use of it being monitored closely by your doctor? Medication *can* help, but if you dont keep nagging your doctor they tend to assume you are OK, and changing the dose and/or type, sometimes repeatedly, can make a big difference.

The debt - this can be one of the main causes of depression, and you can get into a cycle of inertia which causes more debt which causes inertia - get help. Go to a CAB or similiar and tell them everything (you can bet they have heard worse!) and see what they suggest. At the very least they will probably agree to write to all the people you owe money to, which will keep them off your back for a while. And if you really have hit bottom, what is the worst that can happen? Maybe you will have to sell your house, be declared bankrupt, give up your job and live on benefits in a bedsit while you concentrate on improving your mental and physical health - but you never know, the peace of mind that sometimes comes from hitting bottom might be worth it. If your debts are non legit eg loan sharks, dealers etc, you have a different set of problems, but even they tend to give up when they see it really is cant pay wont pay.

I am not necessarily suggesting you do anything so drastic, but people have been there before you, survived and recovered to enjoy life again. I hope you do too.

*hugs*

[eviltwinemma.livejournal.com]

Do take care of yourself, the world would be diminished if you did quit.
You know how to get hold of me. I'll text you more hugs so you have my mobile number if you ever need to talk or anything.

[naranek.livejournal.com]

I probably don't know you well enough to say *hugs*, but *hugs*: I spent most of the end of the last year feeling like that (and leaving sucide notes/burning bridges and then not doing it) and it still comes back on occasion (hence `of course I'm depressed: it's monday'). Not a nice feeling :-(. FWIW, feel free to call/mail me if you want to talk/rant/whatever. I have some fairly .. individual .. views on suicide, but I do think whinging is generally good for you: gets things into perspective and lets you stop feeling so trapped by events.

[wechsler.livejournal.com]

We've barely even said hello yet. I'm glad this wasn't goodbye.

Thoughts are generally: "thank fuck" and "what the fuck do I say" ?
Dunno yet. Just add myself to the list of friends who'd like to help you out if they can, while sitting here kind of stunned.

My phone # is in my memories. Catch me online during the workday on IRC: eu.undernet.org #userfriendly - full of geeks, but still not a bad little channel.

There's probably a lot more I could say, but I'm not likely to make much sense right now.

[nevla.livejournal.com]

Exactly what naranek said...

plus *hugs*.
things can be worked out...

[griffen.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

As said above, go nag your doctor. If you need a reason to be arsed with it, it's because there's a lot of people out here who give a damn about you -- me included, and I've never met you in person.

And know that you're not the only one in this deep darkness, but that it's possible to get out of it eventually. I have been there during my worst depressive phases, when I would look at my children and think how much better off they'd be without me -- and they were only one and two years old at the time!

This is not forever. This, too, shall pass.

In the meantime, nag your doctor, and if there are services available to assist depressives with basic living skills, take advantage of them.

*hugs you again*

[goddesssnoweh.livejournal.com]

Trying desperately to feel connected to people despite the fact that half the time I don't want to be with them.
Unfortunately i know all too well exactly what that is all about. u open up LJ in the hope that something is going to make u feel better, feel connected to someone - but all u feel is apathy. I don't know if the people around me realise just how close to the brink i am - i keep cleverly squirreling it away in comments to other people's posts. I'm a cutter - not a doser, like you, and it doesn't help that i have means to actually just open a vein rather than having to stand the pain of slicing thru flesh to get to it. I have many many failed suicide attempts paining a picture on my arm - but the knowladge i have now means the next one won't be a faliure. I have two adoreable kids tho - one who is mentaly disabled and needs all the love and support he can get (which isn't difficult as he's the cutest lil thing on the planet) - and one who is five, in school, and telling me he wants a skateboard for his birthday. I also have the love of a man who i adore very much, I look up to him and respect him greatly. The situation i'm in I can't see a way out of - but there are three very good reasons there that i don't want to die.

I think we may have come across eachother at the wrong time, the only thing we could do is drag eachother down - or maybe we found eachother at the right time and can offer support to eachother - who knows how it will work out.

[trishpiglet.livejournal.com]

Re: practical things you can do to improve situation, I'm not always very good at providing that sort of advice but just read what ergotia wrote, and she is.

Just like to say that I've met you for all of 2 minutes, but you seem a lovely, warm person and your LJ reflects a complete and important human being. I'd hate to think I wouldn't have a chance to meet you again.

Although I don't have common ground with some of the problems you are going through, my health is shite enough for me to be able to sympathise with that and appreciate how much being ill can drag you down and drain your energy for getting things done. And if the health problem isn't something that people can see or something they have experienced, then it can be hard for them to remember to take account of it.

Wish you luck. x x x

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

That bit left inside that says 'Actually, I'm not quite that low' is the bit I know. Very probably you have tried consciously to keep the other stuff as hidden as possible, without denial.

You know that getting your shit together will take time, repeated attempts and worst of all it seems so bloody pathetic; others are worse off, they're only little things, etc etc. That's not true. The reasons for being unable to just live happily are complex and not well understood. Just remember that you are just as valid as anyone else, especially to a growing number of people, of which I am one.

*hugs*, take care of yourself, please.

[giolla.livejournal.com]

Take care you, we've not shared beer yet.

[olithered.livejournal.com]

So I'm yet another who doesn't know you nearly as well as I'd like to, but chin up and stuff. I don't often stop by your LJ, but couldn't leave without saying something.

And of course, feel free to mail me or whatever if you think I might be of some use...

[aiwendel.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
i don't even know you, but i'd like to.
i know what its like to be there, and survive, due to apathy rather than hope.
But that doesn't help.
I know what its like to get out the otherside, have hope and life.
Have it come back.
Deal alittle better as a small dim ray of hope holds out.

Real world crap doesn't help.
Can someone help you out with all the boring bits of paper n shite? can i?

I don't know what to say, how to help.
Am glad you didn't hide this away.
am glad you are still here.
you are beautiful. (and am not just talking physically here)

*offers small budding flower, and hugs*

[nickys.livejournal.com]

I don't really know you, but you seem like a decent guy, so I hope you will stick around.
Ergotia had lots of good practical advice and I can't think of anything to add to that, except good luck.

[ellemir.livejournal.com]

I don't know you either but we seem to share a few friends. Depression and running finances into the ground frequently go hand in hand, as I know from personal ( and repeated) experience. And then stressing about it makes things worse.It's a vicious cycle, but one that can be broken. What seems to work for me is making the process of getting well the priority. But If you just can't ignore everything else for a few days, try setting your self a reachable target as nothing is worse than failing to meet your goals. Even making one phone call or sorting one situation, or enlisting a friend would be a step forward. Must go now and take this advice myself. All the Best

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

Ohmydear *cuddles* I am very grateful to your apathy.
~half an hour of typing things and un-typing them~
No, i still can't think of the right words. But i'm so glad you're still here. And just...you're worth more than everything you owe put together. If you owed everything in the world you still would be, because you could rob a bank to get money that was exactly the same as other money, but no matter what anybody did there wouldn't be a way to find something just the same to fill the space left for us if you hadn't had that attack of apathy.
I think that was it.

[alixandrea.livejournal.com]

As said by everyone else. I barely know you. I hope this will change. You have obviously given a lot of people a lot of wonder and fulfillment. These are good things. Practical advice at the top of your comments page from someone a lot more sorted about these things than me. If you want someone to go with you, or prod you into doing these things, there are many such people who care enough to do this, myself included.

*Hugs* you are indeed beautiful - obviously.

I'm sure I'm probably far too far behind in leaving this comment but wanted to do so anyway. And when Erik funally has his bike sorted (ie. has taken his test and _got_ a bike) we would be honoured if you would come out riding with us. Jo, get a biker lid ;-)

[azekeil.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I know just what you mean, all of it. Well done.