Excerpts from my stream of consciousness...

[denny]

I've had an incredibly strong urge to write something over the last week, probably the strongest such urge I've ever felt in my life. This has been accompanied by a complete lack of the ability to articulate anything when I actually sit down at a keyboard. Interesting combination.


One thing I did think was worth noting down, just because it made me think, was a little poly/jealousy incident that I got confused by on NYE. I went out with a girl I've been seeing quite a bit of lately, as well as a very-long-term female friend and her boyfriend. The female friend I was once involved with, and wouldn't mind being so again, but she's not interested in being more than good friends, so that's that. Anyway, the two girls ended up all over each other (initially in the middle of the TG dancefloor - talk about an impressed audience *grin*), and the next day it looked like a potential relationship was in the making. I was completely surprised to find myself jealous at this point... (a) I don't get jealous much in general, and (b) even less so when the new person is of the opposite gender to myself.

Some thought (not easy considering the state I was in following NYE :-D ) finally revealed the answer... I was jealous not because the girl I was seeing would be seeing someone else, but because someone I know would be seeing the girl that's no longer interested in me.

Okay, that sounds remarkably obvious written down, but it took me a while to figure it out at the time, and I don't think it was just my scrambled body chemistry that had me confused... being jealous of your lover for having someone you can't have is a new one on me.

As soon as I traced down what the emotional glitch was, it dissolved in the light of the thoughts that instantly followed: there's no-one I can think of who I'd rather someone I was seeing got involved with, than someone who I've been friends with and loved for years myself. And vice versa, I'm sure my friend would have a lot of fun and maybe more with the girl I'm currently seeing.

After all that, the friend seems to have decided that the whole thing was a one-off, not-to-be-repeated experience anyway ("What happens in TG, stays in TG"?). Oh well, it was an interesting mental workout for me... and damn were they pretty together - I'm glad I got to watch :-P


Note: I've decided to make this post public, which means I've left the names out of it - this has led to some rather unwieldy phrasing, sorry. The problem is further exacerbated by avoiding use of the word 'girlfriend' to refer to the girl I'm seeing, as we both seem to be evading the semantic weight of the term at present - choosing instead to define our relationship as 'people who see each other a lot'.

Comments

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

I think that's envy, rather than jealousy. It's not that you don't want the girl to have the person you can't have; just that you'd like to have them too!

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

*ding* Point for you.

Yes, I'm sure you're right. It felt like jealousy when it manifested, but that's probably because I couldn't figure out what my problem was with the whole situation...

[valkyriekaren.livejournal.com]

I experienced feelings of jealousy for the first time this year after steer chucked me; it's not a pleasant emotion. Feels rather like being kicked in the gut by an irasible mule.

[booklectica]

That's a good point. I think I suffer from envy much more than from jealousy.

[kissycat1000.livejournal.com]

Interesting, and also understandable.

I've been trying to work out what my triggers and issues are and if they actually need to be there, or if they can be dissolved by sensible analysis. Some issues (a primary partner who has no intention of living with me as part of a couple, re-starting a relationship with an ex girlfriend who rents a room in his house) are more understandable than others (a primary partner starting something very casual and long-distance with somebody that is no threat to me).

I do think that most issues can be dissolved in the light of logic, and it's always nice when that happens. :)

[boundpersephone.livejournal.com]

Hey Denny,

You know my whole take on poly, jealousy is only emotion we have yet to understand, good for you for sorting it out! That green eyed monster can rear its head in the oddest spots, and we need to realize that it is normally something easily worked out.

I had been feeling a bit the same, my lt partner has recently started playing with a girl..friend of mine. Usually he is at my home, she comes over...and somehow they end up downstairs with her getting a flogging. I was pissed the first few times, but it was more because of where they choose to do it, and the circumstances. They chose one night to be the night I came home from some pretty hefty surgery, left me upstairs *asleep* they thought, I was just drugged out of my mind, and of course when I needed to get up, they had left my walker just out of reach *ankle surgery, non-weight bearing*, and were to in their own headspace to realize I needed help.

I ended up hurting myself trying to do it on my own, and I was upset that the play was more important then making sure I was ok. There is also the small thing of the rule in the house being, if my partner wants to play with another girl, he has his own home to do it it...

anyways, we have since talked about it, and I let him know that it was not appropriate at those times, and if he wanted to in my home, he needed to talk to me first. I don't mind that he plays with her, right now I am laid up, and he deserves his outlet:) But damn the boy needs to remember when I am well I am going to beat him senseless for his lack of social graces:)

Hugs Denny, you know where to find me if you ever need an ear!

maya

[dennyd.livejournal.com]

The 'spark' of a first-time can sometimes overwhelm people to the point where they aren't even minimally considerate of ongoing situations. I've definitely been guilty of this myself in the past, and it's something I'm worried I could well do again in the future... there's a tendency to get caught up in the moment. All I can do is try to maintain an awareness of it in general, so that if/when the situation arises there will hopefully be some kind of warning bell in my mind.

In this case, understanding what direction I was actually coming at it from was all I needed to have the whole thing unravel and tidy itself up in my head, which was nice... I usually expect to have to put more effort into untangling emotional glitches than I did with this one :)